Midnight files

It's late, it's quiet, and my brain is racing!

I feel like Satan sneaks in when we least expect him. He's an expert at psycho-sabotage. It takes a concentrated daily commitment to focus my mind on what is pure and positive... and to choose an attitude of abundance and expectancy. Too often I find myself letting my mind be infiltrated with doubt, worry, second-guessing, and "Plan B" thinking.

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. When we let negative thoughts simmer, they start to take over every aspect of our mental and physical lives. And other people pick up on this too. It's like that goofy saying about animals that "they can smell the fear." The ridiculous thing about this is as people of faith, our lives could never be a testimony to others if we are not masters of our thought life - meaning we have to get our mental health in check. Spiritual mental health, I mean. I think we're all a little nuts in our own special way.

The other creepy way the enemy gets into our heads is through the comments and actions of others. People in our lives that have great intentions but in one way or another cause us to doubt ourselves. While God uses people for the purpose of making us feel important, loved, enabled, and capable of conquering anything we put our efforts to, Satan sends them our way to make us feel small, inferior, insignificant, and flawed. I would venture to say that even someone with the most solid self-esteem would feel this way sometimes. However, "Nobody has the right to make you feel inferior without your permission." Thanks, Eleanor. Or, in a more modern version, "Someone might hand you a gift, but you don't have to accept it." Thanks, Frank!

I know this is supposed to be a blog about the baby, but it's the middle of the night and I'm still awake, which is very unusual, and therefore so is this post. I subscribe to the philosophy that the baby will pick up whatever energy I output, so I guess this is my way of releasing my irrational thoughts of fear and worry. And the devil... and over-analysis. Nobody wants to see a baby with an eye twitch like his momma!

Are there lullabies for grown-ups?

Check-up

We got a great report today from the OB! The heartbeat is strong at 140 bpm, and I am now cleared to go back to yoga and mild exercise (three cheers). I'm headed to a class tomorrow and I'm so excited to get back into a routine!

I've dropped weight again but the doc doesn't seem worried. I have confidence that I'll put it all back on and then some over the next few months!

I'm finally feeling a little more rested after seminar, and hopefully this congestion/cough will fade over the next couple of days. It's been good to get my feet up and sleep when needed... Jack has been great encouraging me to rest and take care of myself. I'm sleeping better through the night too. I am sure much of it has to do with my mind being a little more at ease. I am grateful for the ability to simplify work and life in general!

Changes

Jack is starting to talk a lot more about the baby! He has always been excited but as weeks pass he seems even more so. He found his baby bear, Winnie the Pooh, and set him up on the shelf. He beamed when I looked surprised, and then said, "Not for dogs... for baby." We've been talking about how the dogs will do. Dallas is incredibly sweet and gentle, but Quincy will probably steal Cheerios right out of the baby's hands.

I can't tell if it's the cold medicine or if "pregnant brain" is starting to sneak in. Okay, go ahead and make the jokes... I wasn't far away from it in the first place. I just feel really fuzzy. I've been out two days in a row without a stitch of makeup on my face - who IS this person? Thankfully Jack has been helpful getting ready for our trip this week. I would never have pulled this event together on my own accord.

We realized today that the likely reason I've dropped so much weight (I'm leaner now than I've been in 6-7 years) is that I have no appetite for sugar. My outrageous sweet-tooth is strangely absent. I'm thankful. It's helped me stay better hydrated and feel less sluggish. I guess this would be a good habit to keep up. A glass of juice is sweet enough for me.

Still praying for Holly - she's at Methodist under observation for slight contractions and a bleed from a low-lying blood vessel. They're expecting baby Evan in as little as 2 weeks! So exciting!

So many friends have proven to be so supportive and excited about our little bun! It's been neat to share stories and really talk about what we've been through. I have been strongly cautioned to wear lower heels, drink more water, and rest as much as possible. Not bad advice! Except for that part about the heels... I know I'll be out of them before I know it but I'm desperately hanging on until the very last minute!

God loves us not because of who we are, but because of who He is

Pregnancy Glow (it's not so glamorous)

So this is a full-blown sinus bug! I can tell I'm running a fever off and on (I'm hopping between sweatsuit and skivvies every 20 minutes). The biggest bummer is that any meds worth taking are not safe! It's ALL worth it, and this too shall pass.

A great friend experienced a placenta previa bleed today at 31 weeks into her pregnancy. She is safe and healthy, and so is the baby, praise the Lord. I am so grateful we live in the age of incredible technology and amazing medical professionals. The take-home message I received is that no activity, no commitment, no event is worth risking health or family.

After some reading today - once the splitting headache subsided - I found out that the twinges I'm feeling are likely tendons stretching to make room for Junior. They should be manageable by standing/sitting/bending slowly and avoiding making sharp bends getting out of bed. I am also reading Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy. It's funny, true, and incredibly WRONG! The woman doesn't sugar-coat anything.

I can tell this little one is going to give us a run for our money! I am waking up on the hour, every hour at night. I am sure this is part of the reason the sinus bug hit me so hard. LJ and I are having some great heart-to-hearts (some of them are come-to-Jesuses) in the middle of the night in my desperation to sleep for more than 60 minutes at a time!! This is all just preparing me for motherhood, right?

Sleep well tonight, LJ... mother MEANS IT!!

Week recap

It's been an incredible week!

Jack and I took a little jet-set getaway to Las Vegas. It was wonderful to change scenery, spend some quality time relaxing, eat great food, and get away from it all! I devoured a great book by the pool, The Art of Racing in the Rain. Highly recommended to any dog lover out there. It was incredibly hot while we were there, so it was nice to come home to "cooler" weather.

We brought home a souvenir: SINUS FLU. High five. We are both laid up in the Allen infirmary for an indeterminate amount of time. I am worried over which medicines are okay to take... the word from the doctor is that anything worth taking that would kick this bug is not safe for Junior. So I am sticking to lozenges, Robitussin DM, and Tylenol. I am living vicariously through Jack taking his Nyquil.

Despite feeling rotten, I did have the opportunity to cohost a baby shower for a great friend today, which was wonderful. (I know I will be paying for it with extended illness, but it was worth it) She is glowing and beautiful, and I am so glad we could gather to celebrate her today! We got the biggest laughs from the grandmas and hostesses. It was certainly not a G-rated afternoon! **Note to self: be sure to register for burp cloths, extra crib pads, and receiving blankets. Apparently one can never have too many. Double the crib pad at all times for stress-free changes in the middle of the night.

Most of my clothes are starting to feel tight, but I think I can cheat awhile longer with many pieces. The dress I wore today will be retired to the closet for the time being. Every time I took a breath in, the belt popped! I'm having lots of little "twinges" that feel like short spastic little cramps, particularly when I stand up quickly or bend. I am reading online about possible causes/explanations. I've added that to my list of questions for my OB.

I am so thankful for the joy and excitement of sharing our good news with friends. Jack was the proudest papa as he spread the word! I feel like the cage around my chest has been removed, and I'm breathing so much easier knowing we've made it safely to this point. We are eager to see the doctor next week for a follow-up on Monday's ultrasound.

His Grace has brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home

A great day!

We had our down's syndrome/spina bifida screening today. We had a really unique experience in the office...

Our regular ultrasound technician was helping re-certify another technician in the measuring of the nuchal fold (area near the neck). So we had an extended opportunity to see LJ live and in concert today! When we first got a peek, I couldn't believe how much bigger everything was. You can see all the little bones of the spine, hands and feet, the little belly, and even the heart and brain. The profile looks like a real (tiny) person! At first glance, the baby was asleep with both hands crossed over the face. It took quite a bit of prodding and jostling to get baby to move to the position conducive to taking the measurements. Stubborn like daddy! After about half an hour, we got to see a gymnastics class! Twists and turns, barrel rolls, stretching, and lots of movement. They finally got a great measurement and we got some amazing photos to bring home. Just as they finished, the baby fell back to sleep with arms crossed over the face again. We'll get the results of the screen when we see our doctor again in 2 weeks. Our next ultrasound will be August 31st, when we'll find out the gender!

We learned a lot from listening to the technicians discuss the process today. I will volunteer to be the "guinea pig" ANY day knowing how neat it is to spend a little extra time watching the best kind of home video!

So the photos are posted, and the cat is out of the bag. We are too blessed and too excited to keep this a secret anymore! At this point there is no cause for worry or concern... everything looks strong, healthy, and safe. Friends and family, please feel free to spread the word so others can share our excitement! God is so good!

Major milestone!

13 weeks TODAY! Such a blessing!

LJ (little jack or little jessica) is still growing strong! We go back in tomorrow for another screening and quick visit with the doctor. I have a growing list of questions about diet/weight gain, fitness, energy level, etc. There is so much information out there in books and online, and it's difficult to get a clear idea on some topics until the doc has a say one way or the other. I am still really exhausted and get worn out quickly, which I assume is completely normal. I am trying to rest as much as possible now... when I have the freedom to do so... before life gets increasingly more complex in August and then again in January!

As much as I hesitated to start on the room, I am so pleased with how it's turned out so far! Once Jack's band schedule starts back up at the end of July, he's virtually unavailable for big projects until November... so we decided to go ahead and get the bulk of the work done now while he's free. He laid a wood floor, painted the walls, and repainted the trim and the door. Thank you Dad for giving us all the extra wood! It looks beautiful and fresh in the room. We will eventually build out the closet for shelving, hanging, and storage, and my dad is refinishing our crib and an antique vanity for use as a changing table. It feels really good to plan and dream about how the room will look. In a way, it soothes much of the worry and doubt that still hangs over our heads at times. A wise friend reminds me constantly that part of keeping myself healthy is allowing myself to plan and dream with an attitude of expectancy.

I met an incredible woman last night who I will be continuing to pray for. She delivered her twin boys in May at 23 weeks. Still alive and celebrating 8 weeks on the earth, they are truly miracle babies, and their ongoing story is faith-inspiring and humbling. This woman's name is Kendra, and her boys are Zachary and Jackson. They will be in the Texas Children's NICU until Labor Day, their original due date. Her advice to me last night: nothing you really ever worry about matters at all, except for a safe and healthy family. If God can bring a family this far, He is capable of carrying everything else too!

And if God cares so wonderfully for the flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? -- Luke 12:28

My sweet baby - keep fighting and growing, because we are all fighting and praying for you

All God's Critters

Song by Bill Staines, Pictures by Kadir Nelson

The entire book is sung to the listener, with animal sound effects where appropriate

All God's critters got a place in the choir,

Some sing low, some sing higher

Some sing out loud on the telephone wire

And some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they got! Now...

Listen to the bass, it's the one on the bottom

Where the bullfrog croaks and the hippopotamus

Moans and groans with a big to-do

And the old cow just goes MOOOOOOOOOO!

The dog and the cat, they take up the middle

While the honeybee hums and the cricket fiddles

The donkey brays and the pony neighs,

And the old coyote howls.

All God's critters got a place in the choir,

Some sing low, some sing higher

Some sing out loud on the telephone wire

And some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they got! Now...

Listen to the top where the little birds sing

On the melodies, with the high notes ringing

The hoot owl hollers over everything and

The jaybird disagrees.

Singin' in the nighttime, singin' in the day

The little duck quacks, then he's on his way.

The possum ain't got much to say,

And the porcupine talks to himself.

All God's critters got a place in the choir,

Some sing low, some sing higher

Some sing out loud on the telephone wire

And some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they got! Now...

It's a simple song of livin' sung everywhere,

By the ox and the fox and the grizzly bear,

The grumpy alligator and the hawk above,

The sly raccoon and the turtledove.

All God's critters got a place in the choir,

Some sing low, some sing higher

Some sing out loud on the telephone wire

And some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they got now!

A little back-story

My grandmother has taught me that there is no better story than the one you've written for yourself! So here is a little snapshot of mine. For those who are hopping into the story without much background, here's a "crash course" in what's happened so far:

I first found out I was pregnant in November of 2007. We were thrilled… surprised, but thrilled! In late January of 2008, however, we experienced a miscarriage. I am sure this blog will lend itself to a more detailed account of this experience sometime soon.

I found out about our second pregnancy in early May of 2009 and was just as thrilled! Between then and now, we’ve already been through a roller-coaster of emotions and events… joy and gratitude, a couple scary emergency trips to the doctor, weeks of watching, resting, and waiting, and finally some great news that helped settle our hearts and relax our nerves. We had our 12-week appointment last week and were met with great news – the heartbeat is strong, 150 beats per minute for all our musician friends, and there’s no reason to suspect anything is not as it should be.

Despite the great news, I am stuck in this strange place between overwhelming gratitude (relief) and anxiety. I looked at Jack in the OB’s office and heard the words come out of my mouth, “I bet these visits are really fun for people who are normal!” Not that we are abnormal in any way – in fact, I had no idea how many people have actually experienced miscarriage at some point – but having been through it, I feel like it's created a strange cloud of anxiety over all things. The word on the street is that in time the cloud fades. I have no doubt that is true but in the meantime it creates a bizarre guardrail between your mind and heart. Surely this is our frail human way to protect ourselves from pain. It's so hard to remember that we are not meant to live in that pain but instead we are designed to live in gratitude and expectancy of abundant blessings!

As a woman of faith I believe that God knows the plan even when I don’t, and the best I can do is faithfully put one foot in front of the other. Everything in this life happens for a reason, and I realize that even the most painful circumstances are designed to teach and grow us.

We can either crumble and quit, or chin up and keep going…. And I’m eternally grateful for this tiny miracle of a reminder that ours is the God of second chances!!

For the little one, and many others

As a self-proclaimed "techno-dummy," I chuckle to think of myself as a blogger! After much thought and consideration, however, I realize the benefits of journaling extend far beyond my own. Throughout my own pregnancy journey, I sought comfort from many other bloggers. And so my hope is that someone else out there may find comfort and maybe even a little amusement from my journey through pregnancy and life after miscarriage.

My ultimate goal is to one day compile these blog entries for safe-keeping in the baby book... and then to give them as a gift to our child with the hope they might have even the smallest inkling of how special and precious my journey with them has already been, and how truly blessed I feel to have been given the gift of carrying and raising them.

This is all assuming that this techno-dummy can figure out how to access all the archived posts! Cross your fingers!